The Baby is Kicking

[Despanan]

Like a good little Karateka.

Holy shit I’m gonna be a dad in two months.

[Rip]

So, I'm not one to make blanket generalizations, and I don't know your situation, but I just went through it with twins (the girls are 11 weeks old tomorrow) and I just want you to think about how much sleep you currently get. Then subtract all of it. Unless you're a bad father I guess, and make your partner do everything, but I'm going based on the assumption that you are not a complete piece of shit.

You won't really remember the first few weeks later on, they will feel like a smeary blur when you look back on them, but while going THROUGH them oh my god will time creep like a motherfucking snail crawling backwards at the marathon finish line just to fuck with you. This is because of the no-sleep thing.

Now, YOU can do all sorts of drugs to help with this, and maybe you should, but the paranoia of fucking up while fucked up should eventually take this option off the table, because the lack of sleep is going to make you hallucinate anyway. And those hallucinations will ALWAYS be of your offspring in imminent, life-threatening danger. No shit, I jumped out of bed at 2am from a non-sleep just because I thought someone had placed one of my childer on top of the bookshelf next to my bed. Who would do that? Why, Rip, why? No clue, but I was fucking convinced, and I leapt out of that bed like Jesus when his forty days were up only to rescue a very confused stuffed gorilla. Oh and then one of the girls woke up again.

Anyway, where was I? Sorry, I don't sleep much. Yes, YOU can do drugs. But if your lady-partner is breastfeeding, she can have ibuprofen and hope, that's it. And probably some resentment. And guilt. And she's going to need you more than she's ever needed you before, and you're already tapped out, because you don't sleep and your mind is constantly wracked with anxieties you've literally never thought of before. Luckily, the love between my wife and I is epic in scope and echoes throughout human history, so we had that going for us; make sure you've got that part at least on your to-do list.

But for real though, it's gonna be great. Well, not at first. Eventually. Seriously those first few weeks are going to kill you. But you'll be a dad then, and dads don't get to stay dead, so you have to suck it up and enter your Lich-phase like the rest of us.

Just know that, as bad as it gets, as hard as it feels, as rough as the times go...that you only had ONE, and I went through double everything you're going through, so to me you're a wuss.

tl;dr congratulations :) just wait 'til they smile at you for real, and giggle every time they see your face waking them up.

[Despanan]

Thanks Rip. I'm cautiously optimistic.

BTW: You really should write a book if you haven't already. Weren't we gonna collaborate on something a while ago?

[Phantomgrift]

And then you'll blink, and they'll be 6 or 7 and you'll start to wonder if they could stop growing up so fast because you know it's just a matter of time before mom and dad don't matter that much and hello surly teenager and out the door...

[Despanan]

I believe the quote is “The only thing kids are supposed to do is eat your food and break your heart”.

[Samurai]

I've never understood how people with twins (or triplets, for goodness' sake) deal with the sleep deprivation thing, as they presumably wake each other up fairly frequently. My lad has sleep problems that, while thankfully not quite putting disturbances at newborn levels, have had me wandering around like a zombie for eight years, now and I can't remember anything any more. Fingers crossed, neither of the new dads will have to go through that.